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Stressed - 2004-06-27 Nick at Nite - 2004-06-25 Think Good Thoughts! - 2004-06-22 Turning Weakness Into Strength - 2004-06-20 Appearance - 2004-06-20 2003-07-14 - 1:36 a.m. - In Summary... You know, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. As usual, probably too much thinking. To quote a movie I love to death, "write what you know. This is what I know:" I am 20 years old. I'm gay. I've been gay my whole life, and the one thing that occurs to me is this: I've spent too much time, particularly of late, thinking about it...pondering it, rearticulating it, and trying ultimately, to come up with some sort of solution to this "problem". At this point in my life, I'm at a crossroads, and I'm starting to suspect that I've been here for awhile, it's just hard to make the leap, the final choice, if there even really is a final choice. I've spent too much time in retrospect, looking backward, or even looking ahead, when I forget about the here and now. Here is also what I know: maybe happiness is what you make it. Maybe it's all in your head, to look around and appreciate what's in the present, and to use that to further myself as a person. I won't lie: I don't know if I can do it. There are holes. There are absenses, things missing. I don't know if I can put these things there, or if I can go without them for extended periods of time. But I'm learning, always learning. I think that as part of my new outlook on things, this site will suffer, because while it has been extremely theraputic in that it helped me put things out on the table and see them from a different point of view, that it's also created unnecessary unrest. There are things I need to put to bed. Feel free to stay tuned for awhile, but it could be some time. I'm also done losing sleep over drama. I've spent too much time thinking about everything in my life--present, past, and possibilities of future, and you know what? I'm really not that bad of a person, and I'm done treating myself like I am. I think I'm going to be much better now. Almost ready: http://alpha74656.diaryland.com
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