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Stressed - 2004-06-27 Nick at Nite - 2004-06-25 Think Good Thoughts! - 2004-06-22 Turning Weakness Into Strength - 2004-06-20 Appearance - 2004-06-20 2003-06-20 - 12:31 p.m. - I Need This Guy Out Of My Head!! Good morning, another day is at hand...I just wish I could get this guy out of my head... It's been a freaking year, and I'm so afraid that this borderlines obsession if I'm still dreaming about him. It seriously has been almost a year since last I saw him. But I still dream of him, and when I really stop and think about it, there really hasn't been a day where I haven't thought of him in some minut capacity. Maybe it was love? Maybe not...I'd prefer think not. It would be so much easier if I'd just never met him at all. And the pisser is that: DM will never know anything about this. He'll never know that I cried that night he was there. He'll never know that it hurt to call him again after that. He'll never know that I admired him from afar, and he'll sure as hell never know that I still think of him today. I'm so sorry about this one...but I had to get it out, and my little notebook is just no longer sufficient when I know there are people that feel the same way I do. Maybe I'm anxious to get my story out for a change. Or not? I really don't know. Do you know who really looks good? Alicia Silverstone. Do you know how much simpler (in this matter, anyway) my life would be if I was a girl? Or, as would be more realistic, if I just wasn't gay? I may be more accepting of it today, but that doesn't mean I'm proud. I wonder if I ever will be. But so far, from what I've seen, it just brings shame to me, and disappointment to those I care about. It distances me from people, and them from me. People are too homophobic...it wouldn't fly with so many of my friends. Maybe it's time to make a few sacrifices. Maybe it's time to come forward, and make it known. Maybe then, providing that it was accepted by the others enough, I would be more comfortable in certain situations. Because now, I feel so scared. I feel like I have to hold back so much, all the time. I talk about my work a lot. I strongly feel that if the stress in my life would be greatly reduced--including work, if there was more in my life outside of work. A friend that I work with has a boyfriend, and she was sitting there telling me about the face that her happiness has been so much more frequent with someone in her life. Hmmmm...that must be nice. I truly envy her today. But, we're not going to get someone by sitting here whining about it, right? I just don't know what to do. However, I do NOT think that Fargo is the place to figure this out, somehow. Again, so sorry about this entry...I just needed to get this out. Have a great day.
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